From Pat Gaudette

Even if a man is involved in an exit affair, a cowardly way out of a marriage, he must orchestrate it so that his wife picks up on the clues that leave no doubt he is being unfaithful. In twisted logic, he would rather be known as an adulterer than as the "bad guy" who initiated a divorce. He may be unprepared for the devastation that follows.

If he wants to stay married but cheats to add extra excitement between the sheets, a man's biggest fear when he starts a long term affair may be that his wife will become suspicious of why he's spending so much time away from home. As the affair progresses, he may find he has even more to worry about if his lover begins pressing for a commitment and threatens to bring the affair into the open.

No matter what the other woman may have agreed to when the affair began, most women aren't happy being the woman of convenience. Sooner or later, most other women expect to be the next wife. No matter what promises a married man may have made in order to get his lover to bed, the truth may be that he planned for her to be a convenient "booty call" not a permanent fixture in his life.

The odds are that most men who cheat will get caught. Their biggest gamble, one that many will lose, is that their wife may chose to end the marriage rather than gamble on their ability to be faithful in the future.

Stay Or Go?

It's one of the top questions. Should they try to save save their marriage or should they call it quits?
The answer is unique to each of us. We all have our "lines in the sand" that will either be crossed, making the decision clear, or will continue to be moved ahead of us, making the decision less clear. None of us can tell someone else how much they should tolerate or when they should leave their marriage. Each of us must come to that decision in our own time, in our own way.

I didn't want my second marriage to end and I tried the best I knew how to cope as it unraveled. But, there came a moment when my "line in the sand" was crossed, and at that moment, I realized that my marriage was probably nearing an end regardless of my efforts.

It took a few more months, but when the time came, and my husband said he wanted a divorce, I agreed. Time has proven that divorce was the best decision for both of us.
Marriages can be repaired only if both partners are willing to work on rebuilding the relationship. That's not to say that one person can't hold a marriage together, because one person can keep the marriage from ending if their spouse isn't pushing for divorce.

As an example, a wife may decide that she'd rather remain married to her unfaithful husband than confront and face the consequences of divorce. Until he decides the marriage is over, she readjusts her needs and remains married. Her choice is to stay.

In the same example, she could beg, plead, and threaten but if he wants out of the marriage, there is absolutely nothing she'll be able to do to change his mind. Her best choice is to focus on divorce survival, protecting herself (and any dependent children), and working toward repairing her life. His choice is to go regardless of what she wants.

Taking another view, his betrayal may have crossed her "line in the sand" and her choice would be to go, regardless of what he wants or how much he may beg, plead, or threaten.

I don't like divorce. Neither do I like marriage without commitment. As far as "stay or go" decisions, sometimes you have a choice, sometimes you don't. The choice you do have is to focus on the future, because time does have a way of working things out.

Take care of yourself.

Is Divorce The Only Answer?

When I was doing research for a cheating spouse feature it seemed most of the advice, suggestions and even "spy" techniques I found were aimed at gathering evidence that could be used to justify divorce. There was very little encouragement to try to "fix" a marriage in which adultery had occurred even though many marriages that end in divorce due to adultery could have been fixed if a different approach had been taken by the people involved.
There have been several comments on the forum regarding the ease with which so many people end their marriages. We do seem to be a society that quickly disposes of relationships that displease us or even bore us. The fact is, there are going to be times in any normal marriage in which something our spouse does will displease us. There are going to be times that they will bore us or the tedium of day to day activities will dull the "passion" that we assumed would always burn between us.

It takes maturity to understand that a good marriage will have bad days (and weeks, and sometimes even months or years) along with the good days and great days.

Maturity isn't measured in age it is measured in how a couple responds to the bad times, the humdrum times, the boring times, that absolutely will occur.
Please note that I said a "good marriage" because I would not consider an abusive marriage, or a marriage to an addict or alcoholic to be "good". While some of these types of relationships can survive, many shouldn't and they are in need of ending.

It is easy to say "I want a divorce" or "I don't love you anymore" in this era of prenuptials, quickie divorces, and do-your-own divorce kits. It's more difficult to say "We have a problem that's putting our marriage in jeopardy -- let's work together to stay together."

In some cases, you're the one who wants to save the marriage while your spouse has one foot out the door and is waving bye-bye. In some cases, you're the one who wants out because there's just not enough "foundation" on which to build a strong marriage.

I don't like divorce. It makes nice people into monsters. It puts families into the welfare line. It forces children to grow up faster than they should have to and it teaches them that marriage doesn't have to last forever.

If I could, I would make it extremely difficult to get married -- or at least as difficult to get married as it is to get divorced. I would absolutely require that couples learn good communication skills before they were issued a marriage license.

A Man's Advice

If you're still trying to decide whether or not you should get out of your marriage or whether you should try to pull it together, I've pulled some comments from Chip from various threads on the forum. Chip is divorced, although not by choice. He gives excellent advice as you'll see.
Sounds like you guys need some help! Get some joint marriage skill counseling as soon as you can. Some program or someone who will work with you to develop communication, problem resolving, setting joint goals/plans and sticking with them TOGETHER - learning to find the win-win in all issues. Also sounds like you both came into this marriage with a lot of reservations and holding back some of each of you, just in case. That indicates that you probably didn't discuss all you needed to or didn't spend the time completing your healing from the first marriages or preparing for the second.

That's pretty normal by the way (I raise my hand also).
This can still work out - get the possitive help you need. You DON'T need to find a counseler that keeps you rehashing all the problems you have with each other - you need one that will help you prepare for the present and the future. You need to learn and develop those skills (yep! back to school! *grin*). If you're both committed to making this work and getting 'educated' then you should be fine.

Also sounds like you're getting pulled down by all the day to day issues (financial, children, etc) and are losing the focus on your OWN relationships. Make sure you spend time for yourselves. I knew one couple that still went on dates after 2 children. She had him get dressed up and then leave the house so she could prepare. He then arrived in the car at the appointed time, all dressed up with flowers, and 'picked her up' for their date. Interesting idea!

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If you and your wife can maintain a workable relationship (sounds like you can) than you did the right thing. I applaude you for 'coming to your senses' and shouldering your responsibilities. Adults can mess up each others lives and still live thru the pain. Once we have children we are totally responsiblie for them and it is wrong and harmfull to abdicate that responsibility. Sometimes it is best for the children for the parents to split - sometimes to stay together.

Once we decide to get married we take a VOW - that is far more than just a promise or commitment. It has become so easy to cast that asside just because 'something better' or a few problems come along. A VOW means we do everything in our power to make it work - if after that we still can't make it work then the option of divorce comes in. (I am not addressing the abuse issues here - that's a whole other situation).

Each of us choses who we are and how we want to feel. If you want to see in your wife someone you can't appreciate or love then YOU made that happen. You also can chose to love and appreciate her. The relationship is YOUR responsibility. The majority of marriages in the world are arranged marriages - somehow they make them work - the focus is placed on the workabilty and hopefully the journey to love rather than the fantisy "happily ever after" beginning/end that we in the USA seem to have. I don't endorse arranged marriages, just point out that we have the wonderful gift to chose our own partners here. But once we make that choice we also have the obligation to do everything we can to make the partnership work - and avoid doing those things that harm it. I think you are very blessed that your wife would take another chance on you and that you are again involved with your children on a daily basis.

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I'd suggest that you remember why you were attracted to him in the first place and why you love/loved him. Then GO!

Marriage is not a STATE of being (most men treat it as such) but its more like another classification of a relationship that must grow or stagnate and die. We are not taught all the skills that we need to make a marriage work - to communicate openly and freely, to work toward the win-win outcome in every problem, to be true partners and best friends. If nothing else, you may have a chance to learn some of the skills that will help prevent the same problem in your NEXT relationship - if you're lucky you may find that you really have the relationship you wanted, you just both need to nurture it and develop those skills together.

I'll ask you the same question I asked of another - I don't care what the answer is and no judgement implied, this is just for your own consideration.

What is a VOW worth to you? You took a vow when you married him - remember the words? If you chose to opt out now, what does this mean about any future VOW that you take?

Now you have to chose what is best for YOU.

More of Chip's Advice

I have copied the best forum posts by Chip on various topics. They continue:

I've been in a similar situation to yours. In order for the marriage to work you two will have to get the communication skills necessary for you both to understand each other. You have different needs and different views on what a 'successful' life is all about. You can co-exist and have a wonderful relationship, but ONLY if the communication between you is active, open and honest. Do some research and find some good couples and individual counseling in your area. Then talk with your husband about them. Don't approach it like you are trying to 'fix' him. Both of you need your eyes opened and some skills and knowledge in order to make this work. If he really wants this marriage to work then he should be willing to put this effort out.

If he's not willing to put the effort in then you'll have to make some choices. But since you're already married I'd suggest exhausting the options to make it work first. If you don't have children then DON'T have them yet! Children don't fix troubled marriages. Get your relationship where you want it first.

This other guy is just the 'greener grass'. You obviously didn't get to know your husband well enough before you got married. You certainly don't know much about this other guy - for all you know he could be an abuser or cheater. He knows you're married and yet he is still involved with you!!! What kind of 'friend' is that! Until/unless you chose to end your marriage and the divorce is final DON'T get involved with another man! Take some time and read all the posts about affairs and cheating - none of them are pretty and only complicate the situation. Deal with what you have first!

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It's so true that 'being right' or at least the other person 'being wrong' gets so much in the way of true communication and relationship. It's such a difficult concept to accept that maybe BOTH people might be right from their own perspective! When we can get to the point where we can not only accept ourselves for who we are but also accept another for who they are - with minimal judgement or attempts to change them - everything becomes so much easier! The focus can then move to how to deal with the problem or miscommunication productively and ignoring whose fault it is. Because in a relationship if there's a problem BOTH people are 100% responsibile for it in their own relationship with the other person.

Besides, it's just too much work to be responsible for another adult who won't accept that we know what's better for them than they do!

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When my first marriage broke down (no children) we separated. I wanted us to get back together and was very willing to do whatever it took for us to be together again. She said she loved me, but. We spent the next 3 years separated, seeing each other and having a wonderful time (both agreed!), ending the date with the desire to have another one soon but I would have to call her for a time. Called her and kept getting put off. This was about a 6-8 week cycle. Finally, I got a great job offer (and a chance for a 'fresh start') in another state. Since she wouldn't commit I filed for divorce and moved away. We met again a couple of years later at a mutual friends wedding. She had married and had her young baby son with her. We sat in the back of the church together, I held her son and we held hands. The love was still there, but .....

Sometimes things work out, sometimes you have to get to the point of making your own choice to move on. You have much more on the line with your 2 children. You also have the difficulty of her illness.

I don't think you'll ever REALLY know what the right thing to do is. You'll just have to chose each day what is best for your children and what is best for you. Eventually you'll get to a point where either both you and she come to the same decision or you will get to the point where you'll have to move on by yourself.

 

Point Of No Return

Each person has a point of no return. If she has reached it and you truely love her than you need to show that love by letting her go. Reading your story she deserves whatever support she can get from you and that may be one of the acts required.

If she has not reached the point of no return (although she continues to repeat the same point of 'no more') your 'pursuing' her in the way you are will not help and will probably only hurt more. I'd suggest that you cool it with her. Focus on yourself. Put yourself in her shoes and identify all the things that caused her pain and work on them. Decide what is best for you - who you want to be and what you want to do. Get help for yourself. Every so often send her an update and tell her that you still love her and are willing to go to joint counseling to explore if the relationship can be rebuilt.

But don't do it in a harrassing or pleading manner. At the least you will come out of this with a better grasp of who you are/want to be and any future relationship will benefit from your efforts. With luck, lots of time and effort she may see the results in your behavior and attitude and may agree to EXPLORE the possibility. You really can't ask for much more.

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I agree that children make a BIG difference. If you have children your first responsibility is to do what is right for them.

Assuming no children, here are some of my thoughts (though most would also apply if you have children):

You need to open your eyes wide and look at REALITY! That means you need a good look at yourself and your relationships with those around you. Some things to consider:

What are you and your husband doing about your relationship? Nothing gets solved by hiding from it. Joint and individual counseling are essential. The skills to create and maintain a good partnership must be learned and developed. If both of you are willing to put the effort in then a good, workable marriage is possible.

What does a VOW mean to you? You took one when you got married. If you haven't done everything reasonable to make this work then the vow means nothing. So what does that say about the NEXT vow you take? You're having an affair - what would prevent you from doing this if married to someone else? What are you going to do to prevent yourself from being in this situation again and again?

This guy you are having an affair with IS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A MARRIED WOMAN he met on the internet. What it the WORLD makes you think that he wouldn't do the same to you if you were married? What does this say about him? What kind of NICE MAN does this?

Most importantly: Who are you? You read like a person who has defined herself by what she does and who she is with. You need to realize that you are TOTALLY responsible for who you are, what you do and what you feel. Nobody can MAKE you do or feel anything. NOTHING in your life is anybody elses fault. You also need to accept yourself for who you are - no regrets, no dispair, no fear. You need to be able to love yourself just as you are or you will be forever lost. Now that you accept yourself and accept responsibility for yourself you will discover the tremendous power you have. You can chose who you are, what you feel, what you do at any moment.

So..... who are you? what do you want to do with your life? what do you want to feel and experience? Now, make that happen. Do what is right for you. If the relationship with your husband is not beyond repair (doesn't sound like it is) then it's time to fight for it - as long as you both are willing it's possible. Some people here have recommended the "Divorce Busters" book. GET HELP! No one can to this alone. If the relationship with your husband is beyond repair, then DON'T jump into another relationship - you'll just end up back where you started for the same reasons, you will still be lost. Take time to end the relationship and then take time to get to know yourself and decide who you want to be, do, feel, experience. Once you are comfortable with yourself and feel the power of creation that you have then it is time to move forward with other relationships. You will find that you are now in a possition to have a true loving, partnership, best friend relationship with someone. And isn't that what we all REALLY want? (I DO!)

Love is a gift that each of us were given that connects us to all other beings. We chose to love someone else (feel that connection), we chose NOT to love someone else (by denying the true basis and meaning of Love). So you can chose to love your husband anytime you wish, or you can chose to deny your husband your love. This is true for anyone you meet. It has really nothing to do with them and everything to do with you. What do you chose?

Take care of yourself.

From Pat Gaudette
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