For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity;
Also for those of us that are old enough to understand George Carlin !

A few statements to ponder...George Carlin quotes:

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him ... is he still wrong?

10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

11. Is there another word for synonym?

12. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

13. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

14. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

15. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

16. I've never been quarantined, but the more I look around, the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

17. If people climb Mt. Everest because it's hard to do, why do they go up the easy side?

18. How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

20. Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

21. The future will soon be a thing of the past.

22. If you live 80 years, at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

23. Am I the only one who noticed that the Lone Ranger and Tonto never got their laundry done?

24. Guys don't seem to be called 'Lefty' anymore.

25. The mayfly lives only one day. Sometimes it rains.

26. No one can ever know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

27. We're all screwed. It helps to remember that.

28. I never eat Sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

29. Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

30. It isn't fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

31. Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

32. If you live to be a hundred, your lucky number goes up by one.

33. I sincerely hope we're not human garbage drifting toward some cosmic sewer. But I think so.

34. When you step on the brakes, your life is in your foot's hands.

35. If you practice throwing the discus alone you have to go get it yourself.

36. I almost don't feel the way I do.

37. If people stand around in a circle long enough, they will eventually begin to dance.

On The More Serious and Profound Side of George Carlin:

The paradox of our time in history is that we have

taller buildings but shorter tempers,

wider freeways, but narrower viewpoints...

We spend more but have less,

We buy more but enjoy less...

We have bigger houses and smaller families,

more conveniences but less time...

We have more degrees but less sense,

more knowledge but less judgment,

more experts yet more problems,

more medicine but less wellness...

We drink too much, smoke too much,

spend too recklessly, laugh too little,

drive too fast, get too angry,

stay up too late, get up too tired,

read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom...

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values...

We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often...

We've learned how to make a living, but not a life...

We've added years to life, not life to years...

We've been all the way to the moon and back,
but have trouble crossing the street to meet a new neighbor...

We conquered outer space but not inner space...

We've done larger things, but not better things...

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul...

We've conquered the atom, but not our prejudice...

We write more, but learn less...

We plan more, but accomplish less...

We've learned to rush, but not to wait...

We build more computers to hold more information,

to produce more copies than ever, but we communicate less and less...

These are the times of fast foods and slow digestion,

big men and small character,

steep profits and shallow relationships...

These are the days of two incomes but more divorce,

fancier houses, but broken homes...

These are days of quick trips, disposable diapers,

throwaway morality, one night stands, overweight bodies,

and pills that do everything from cheer, to quiet, to kill...

It is a time when there is much in the showroom window and nothing in the stockroom.

Remember, spend some time with your loved ones,

because they are not going to be around forever...

Remember, say a kind word to someone who looks up to you in awe,
because that little person soon will grow up and leave your side...

Remember, to give a warm hug to the one next to you, because that is
the only treasure you can give with your heart and it doesn't cost a cent...

Remember, to say, "I love you" to your partner and
your loved ones, but most of all mean it...

A kiss and an embrace will mend hurt when it comes from deep inside of you...

Remember to hold hands and cherish the moment for someday
that person will not be there again...

Give time to love, give time to speak, and give time
to share the precious thoughts in your mind...

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctor worry about them. That is why you pay him/her...

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down...

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's...

4. Enjoy the simple things...

5. Laugh often, long and loud... Laugh until you gasp for breath...

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive...

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge...

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help...

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is...

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity...

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away"

George Carlin

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the rest rooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in housewares, and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on lay-away.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other shoppers you'll invite them in only
if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. While handling guns in the hunting department ask the clerk if he knows where the
antidepressants are.

10. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

11. In the auto department, practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

12. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

13. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again."

.....and last but not least,

14. Go into a fitting room and yell loudly, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"