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We were so suited for each other, so in love, so happy together. We had so many dreams. Our first moments together were full
of joy, happiness and the excitement of being close to someone who loved us and understood us. We were so sure that we would live "happily ever after".
We never thought that we would arrive to this state of lack of communication, misunderstanding, distancing, indifference and even competition, aggressiveness and
verbal violence. What happened? How did this happen? What can we do so as to be loving again as we were?
SOME REASONS WHY RELATIONSHIPS DETERIORATE
1. Lack
of education in effective communication. We have not been educated
in how to communicate openly and honestly. This will be discussed
in detail in later chapters but can also be investigated on our
web site www.HolisticHarmony.com.
2. Poor
examples - Role models. We learn through imitation. We contain
within us much more of our parents? programming than we are aware
of. We have recorded subconsciously the ways in which our parents
behaved and communicated (or did not communicate) between themselves,
with us and with others. We now mechanically repeat this type
of communication with our partners, children and friends. We tend
to create the problems similar to those that existed in our childhood
role models. If our parents were self-suppressing and non-communicative,
we tend do the same. If they were competitive and aggressive we
are likely to act in a similar way. In some cases, out of reaction,
we may do the opposite, but this is also a programming. If we
are having communication problems with our loved one, it may be
useful to work on transforming our childhood experiences. What
we believe to be a problem with our spouse, may actually be simply
a projection of a problem with one of our parents.
3. We
do not take responsibility for our reality. Our beliefs create
our reality. If we want a new reality, we will need to change
our beliefs about ourselves, others and the world around us. It
will do no good whatsoever to blame the other for what we are
feeling. He or she will just harden his stance and stay that way.
No one likes to be criticized or blamed. Even if down inside we
know that we are wrong, we do not like to admit it as long as
we are being blamed.
4. We expect the other to fulfill our needs and expectations. We believe that the
other, in some magical way, is going to supply us that which is lacking within us. No one can give us inner security or self-worth if we do not have it. If we want to
create a harmonious relationship, we will first need to be in harmony with ourselves, which means developing inner security, strength, self-confidence and self-
acceptance in all situations.
5. Fear of what the others think. We create considerable tension when we want to
place limits on or seek to change our loved one?s behavior, so that we can be accepted by others. When we pressure a loved one to change, not because what he is
doing is morally wrong, but because we need the society?s approval, he or she feels that we are putting others above him in our heart. We are placing our
needs for acceptance or recognition above our love, acceptance and respect for our loved one and for how he or she needs and wants to function. Perhaps we should
ask, "what is more important to me? This affirmation, based on appearances, or maintaining a deep and loving relationship with my partner?" This is an
especially important question for us, as parents, to ask ourselves concerning our children. Whether we want to force our children to fit into a social mold, and risk
losing our communication link with them, or whether we prefer to risk loosing social recognition for the sake of maintaining our communication. Remember, we are not
talking about sacrificing ethical values, but rather, subjective and often quite superficial and materially oriented social values.
6. Lack of energy. I have seen a number of relationships fall into
disharmony and even separation because one or both of the partners let their energy level fall to a dangerously low level and became a negative element in that
relationship. When we do not care for our bodies, energy and mind, they begin to function defectively creating negativity for ourselves and those around us. We have
less clarity, less patience, less understanding for others? needs and problems. A person without energy is naturally ego centered because he needs to take. He is
naturally defensive, because he feels he needs to protect himself. He does not feel safe. When one person in a relationship is in such a state, then problems are
created for everyone. When both are in this state, then the relationship cannot last long. We have an obligation in any relationship, whether it be emotional,
professional or social, to offer others a being with quality. No one likes an emotionally polluted environment, full of complaints, criticism, negative thoughts, negative f
feelings, blaming, fear, hurt, anger or depression. We would all like to live in an environment flowering with positive emotions of love, joy, laughter, pleasant and positive
thoughts and feelings. That requires energy. We can create and maintain a high level of energy by eating properly, and daily practicing exercises, breathing techniques
and deep relaxation techniques as well as positive thinking. We also need to get enough sleep. Vitamins may also help. For details concerning these techniques
check out our web site.
7. We carry the past around within us. We do not live in the present.
Throughout the years we have formed a mental image of who the other is and now we see our image and not the person. This image is unfortunately permeated with
many misunderstandings and wrong assumptions concerning the other, which we have made, through our inner subjective beliefs and programming. We distort our
perception of reality and of the others? motives. We often think that the other is trying to harm us, when this is not, in fact, his or her motive. The other is simply
functioning out of ingrained needs and beliefs. He or she is probably not even aware that what he or she is doing is offensive to us. Or, if the other is aware, he or she
may find it difficult to understand why we are bothered by a certain behavior. The other may also be unhappy that we are creating this hurt within us through his or her
actions, because this is not his or her motive at all. We tend to hold a running account of how many times the other has hurt us, or disappointed us, in some way, and,
when we interact with him or her, we have this "balance sheet" hanging in front of our eyes. Holding on to the hurt of the past prevents an opening to who
the other actually is in the present. This accumulated resentment, or feeling of injustice, obstructs our clear perception and communication in the present. We need to
learn to forgive and approach our loved one as if for the first time, forgetting whatever he or she may or may not have done in the past which has hurt us. If we can
remember that there is a divine law which allows only what is necessary for our evolutionary process to happen to us, we will realize that our partner (or any other
person) was only the means by which this experience came to us. We have been the creators of everything anyone has even done to us. This may be difficult to
swallow, but it is true. Thus, there is no one to forgive, except ourselves for creating such a reality for ourselves. Let us forgive ourselves and the others and start each
day a "new" relationship with those close to us.
8.
We cannot imagine harmony. Many of us cannot imagine a harmonious relationship. This may be because we have experienced negative
childhood role models. Or perhaps we have lived now for so long in a negative relationship (or have had a series of negative relationships) that we cannot imagine
ourselves in a positive one. In such a case, we would benefit from learning to project positive thoughts and images while in deep relaxation. While in the relaxed and
concentrated state, we can imagine the person we want to improve our relationship with immersed in light, well and happy. We can bring to mind five positive qualities
that we can respect in the other. In this way, we create a positive image of the other person. Then, we can imagine ourselves together with the other in a happy,
harmonious relationship. We can imagine ourselves communicating in various ways, talking, dancing, loving, walking, working together etc. Some of us have difficulty
in imagining such a positive relationship. In such a case we should realize that our own negative subconscious (or conscious) thought-form is a serious obstacle
towards creating a happy relationship. Thus, in some cases although it may seem that the other is the aggressive one who is doing injustice to us, as long as we are
unable to imagine a more positive reality, our negative expectations are as much responsible for what is happening as is his or her behavior. The solution is to work on
changing our image of ourselves and the other, and of how our relationship can be.
9. Inner Conflicts. Inner conflicts often externalize as conflicts with
our loved ones. When beliefs, needs, values or desires conflict within us, we project those conflicts onto those around us, especially those closest to us. We believe
that they are in conflict with us, limiting or resisting us, when in reality, one part of ourselves is limiting or resisting another. Then, when we harbor feelings of
resentment or blame towards the other, he or she in turn feels abused, as he or she feels innocent of our accusations. The other, in fact, will often take the opposite
side in a conflict. Not because the other really believes so much in that but, more so, because we, through our doubt, are sending him or her subconscious messages
which force him or her to take this opposite stance so that we can work this issue out on a conscious level. We believe that the other is conflicting with us, but the
reality is that we are conflicting with our selves through him or her. When we have come to an inner reconciliation between our various conflicting needs and beliefs, we
will find that the other will be freed from his temporary antagonistic role and the external conflict will disappear. For example, we might start a new diet or a path of self-
improvement or exercise a new freedom, behavior or activity. As long as we doubt, or have an inner conflict about making these new changes in our life, the others will
resist, criticize, ridicule and even become aggressive with us. This will last as long as we are not sure of these changes, or not sure of our right to make them. It is also
prolonged by our need to prove to the others that we are right, by arguing, or converting them to our new way. This is a serious mistake that must be avoided. It creates
unnecessary conflict.
10.
Need conflicts. We will discuss the problem of 'need conflicts' in our relationships and possible solutions to them in later chapters.
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