Relationships - Part 1

WHAT IS LOVE?

Diane Ackerman said, "Everyone admits that love is wonderful and necessary, yet no one agrees on just what it is." Over the years, I have been learning what it is.

When I first got married, I wanted to show my love to my new wife. I was drawn to romantic stories like one from the time of Oliver Cromwell in England where a young soldier had been tried in military court and sentenced to death. He was to be shot at the "ringing of the curfew bell." His fiancée climbed up into the bell tower. Several hours before curfew time and tied herself to bell's huge clapper. At curfew time, when only muted sounds came out of the bell tower, Cromwell demanded to know why the bell was not ringing. His soldiers went to investigate and found the young woman cut and bleeding from being knocked back and forth against the great bell. They brought her down, and, the story goes, Cromwell was so impressed with her willingness to suffer in this way on behalf of someone she loved that he dismissed the soldier saying, "Curfew shall not ring tonight."

That must be love, I thought! That was the kind of commitment I needed to make! I wanted to give my all. To tie myself to the bell for her. To die, if necessary, for her. To sacrifice myself on the altar of true love! I wanted her to know that I’d give it all up for her.

But she never wanted me to die for her. Never! Clean the toilets, maybe, but never die. My commitment was to be shown in household chores! (I read that an exhaustive study showed that no woman ever shot her husband while he was doing dishes. What a relief. Washing dishes may lack inspiration, but at least it's safe...)

I was never called upon to tie myself to the bell. But I was still called upon to show my love - in little ways, mostly.

I was needed to comfort her before we were married when the doctor told her she could never have children…to hold her hand and tell her I wanted her more than I wanted a family.

I was called upon to sit by her hospital bed after surgery and encourage her.

I was called upon to hold her after her father died and let her cry.

I was also called upon to carve out alone time with her as often as possible and to make sure my plans included her as well as me.

I was never needed to prove my undying love through a glorious act of self-sacrifice. It was something I was required to do in little ways, through one small act of kindness at a time.

And that, I've learned, is love.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

"How will I know when I meet the right person?"

I often hear this question in my counseling practice. The answer is fairly complex.

There are two different reasons that people have for wanting to get married:

1. To get love, validation, security and safety.

2. To share love and to grow emotionally and spiritually.

People who feel insecure and alone are likely to look for someone who will fill the inner emptiness and give them the love they are seeking. They want to find someone who will complete them and make them feel adequate and worthy. The problem is that no one can do this for another person - it is something we each need to learn to do for ourselves. Since we are always attracted to people who are at our common level of woundedness or our common level of health, a person looking to get love will attract a person also looking to get love. Each person hopes to get filled from the other, not realizing that each feels empty and really has nothing to give. Therefore, no one is the right person when the intent of getting married is to get love and security rather than to share love and learning.

Instead of asking the question, "Is this the right person for me?" why not ask, "Am I being the right person?" Am I being a person who comes to a relationship filled with love to share, or am I being a needy person hoping to get love and validation?

The main reason that many relationships don't work out is because each person is disappointed in not getting what they expected to get from the other person. But when a person does not know how to love and validate themselves and create an inner sense of safety and security, they certainly can't do this for another person. Yet this is what each person expects of the other. It's like trying to get water from a rock. What do you have to give when you feel empty within and want to get filled through another's love?

It is actually fairly easy to know if this is the right person for you when your intent in being in a relationship is to learn together and share love. A person who comes from a full place within finds it easy to discern when someone is empty inside, and will not be attracted to the empty person. A person who is truly open to learning about themselves, to growing emotionally and spiritually, to taking responsibility for their own feelings of safety and security, worth and lovability, will not be attracted to a person who is closed, controlling, and just wants to get love.

Knowing if this is the right person for you does not happen instantly. It takes months to discover whether or not a person is who they say they are. You cannot really know who a person is until you have conflict and find out what this person does in conflict. Some people can appear very open and loving until a conflict comes up and then they get angry, withdraw, resist or comply, closing down rather than staying open to learning about themselves and the other person. An important question is, how does this person deal with conflict and how long does it take them to open up if they do close in the face of conflict?

Since none of us enter relationships fully healed, it is very important to know that your partner is willing to explore conflict rather than just protect against it with controlling behavior. Conflict occurs in all relationships, and if both people are not open to learning about themselves and each other within the conflict, the unresolved conflicts will eventually destroy the relationship.

If you are a person who is open to learning and wants a relationship in order to share love, there are three essential ingredients that need to be present for the person to be the right person for you:

1. There needs to be a basic spark of attraction. If you do not feel physically attracted to this person within the first six months of the relationship, the chances are this attraction will not develop. It does not need to be instant, but it does need to be there at some point.

2. Both of you need to be capable of caring, compassion, and empathy - to be a giver rather than just a taker. If this person just wants what they want and doesn't care about what you want, they are not the right person for you. If you just want what you want and you don't care about what the other person wants or feels, you are not ready for a relationship.

3. Both people need to be open to learning in conflict rather than just wanting to win and be right. If both people are open to learning in conflict, conflicts will be resolved in loving ways, but power struggles will result if one or both of you are intent on controlling and winning.

Other ingredients, such as common interests and values, are also important, but without the above three ingredients, they will not sustain the relationship.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

The Secret of Relationship Success

With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren't particularly blissful, it's difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?

We've moved through the old paradigm of getting your needs met in relationships and it has proven itself to be a miserable failure.

Why?

Attempting to get your needs met in your relationship causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes you to focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires of your partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because it has you believing that you deserve something that may well not be delivered.

All across this great country of ours, battles are raging between men and women: she needs to talk and connect, and he needs his space and independence.

Who wins here?

The answer, of course, is that both lose because of a flawed view of what a successful relationship is all about. What also happens is that both people start to blame the other for not meeting their needs.

For those who are really serious about success in their relationships, it's important to understand how blaming your partner is an enormous problem itself. It creates a bigger problem and has you convinced that you're not part of the problem.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Blaming has never worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified in your position, but it will always hurt your relationship.

It's particularly important to develop the realization that your feelings can deceive you in your relationship with your partner. This can be difficult for people raised during the 'honor your feelings' era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, 'I can't believe she could do something like that to me,' or, 'How could she treat me so badly?' These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.

While it's true that your partner may treat you in a way you don't like sometimes, it's not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues.

These feelings also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you're both engaged in the struggle, you'll believe that she needs to be fixed. She'll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses.

This isn't very smart or effective.

What would happen for people in their important relationships if they gave up defending themselves and believing their needs needed to be met? What would happen if they worked at being kind and caring with their partners?

I'll tell you what would happen. They'd have great relationships!

After all, the only thing that you can do to improve a relationship is to improve you.

So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of her flaws. Stop blaming her. She has issues just like we all do. But if you see her as a collection of flaws you'll have no chance at a successful relationship.

And it's successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

Selfless Love for a Specific Person

An essential stage in the evolution of love is being able to love others regardless of their behavior. Probably the closest most of us have come to experiencing such love is towards our children.

There are some parents who have totally selfless love for their children. They maintain steady love for "their child" even if he or she does not live up to the parents' expectations, even if he or she rejects and abuses the parents, and even if he or she becomes a dangerous criminal.

This love is not universal nor is it totally unconditional because there is one condition, that the other is "my child" and not someone else's.

We might also experience this type of selfless love for a specific person when he or she is "our student" or under "our care or responsibility." This type of love often has to do with the role of protector or feeling responsibility for someone. It enables us to accept all types of behavior from others and continue accepting and loving them with understanding and compassion.

In some cases, we may also feel such love for persons who belong to the same grouping, i.e. nationality, religion or social class.

In these cases, we do not gain something tangible from these individuals. We do not require anything from them. Our love is not dependent upon their abiding by a certain type of behavior or even reciprocating our love. Our love is more selfless but still specific and not universal.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

Universal Selfless Love

The next stage is to expand our feelings of unconditional love and acceptance to a wider circle of people and eventually to all beings - including animals, plants and insects. This love, however, is still directed toward form.

We are focused on the temporary form being occupied by these beings; thus we feel a sense of sadness when they experience suffering or unhappiness, or if and when we loose them.

We perceive their form as reality. We feel love and acceptance for that person, but we still live within the illusion that the form is the reality. We f forget that behind that form there is an immortal ever-blissful consciousness, which is just temporarily projecting that form toward the earth plane level. Universal consciousness is never in pain, never suffers, is never unhappy and can never die. That consciousness is the ultimate reality of the being or beings whom we love.

Those who experience this universal selfless love often choose careers or lifestyles that allow them to serve the whole in some way. They may join service groups such as the Peace Corps or other voluntary service organizations. They feel a need to express that love through actions which better the quality of life for those around them, especially for those who are suffering, lonely or unhappy.

Their interest expands beyond the limits of themselves and their immediate family. They begin to realize that all beings are brothers and sisters in one spiritual family of all humanity. As their awareness grows, they perceive even animals, plants and insects as belonging to "their family."

They seek to express this love through acts of service and care.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

Spiritual Universal Love

A later stage in our spiritual maturation process is the development of spiritual universal love where wisdom or spiritual discrimination is now added to our love. We now perceive all forms as various manifestations of one unchanging, ever blissful, divine consciousness.

In this state we experience pure love in which we cannot distinguish between the other and ourselves. Christ referred to this state saying, "I am in you and you are in me."

Although, as in the previous stage, we continue to help and serve wherever we can, we are not so affected by the pain and suffering we encounter. We realize that the real spiritual consciousness expressing itself through that form has chosen to pass through that experience because it is exactly the next stimulus, which he or she needs for his or her spiritual growth process. We are now aware that we are all passing through the precise experiences, pleasant and unpleasant, which we need in order to wake up from our dream of this illusory material reality.

Although we are not affected by the suffering we see, we are even more wholly dedicated toward eliminating it. Thus, we love and accept all beings s they are while we direct our energies toward facilitating this process of our mutual spiritual unfoldment. Each of us moves forward in his or her own unique way.

Previously we may have tried to solve people's problems for them. Now we realize that the most effective way we can others is to love and accept them as they are and empower them to find their own inner wisdom and strength in order to overcome their problems.

We now realize that the main solution for the world's economic, political and social problems is education.

We experience such "wise love" or "loving wisdom" from the highest spiritual teachers. It is sometimes difficult to understand their love and caring, which at times to the beginner, may seem like indifference, especially when we pass through tests and expect sympathy and emotional reactions.

It is difficult for some to realize that it is sometimes more loving to allow someone to suffer a little more so he or she can find the solution him or herself and grow stronger and freer from ignorance. Only a realized being can know, however, when "not to help" externally because this would be the most loving act for a specific person.

Many parents would do well to learn this form of wise love. They might help their children far more if they refrain from solving their problems every time they are in trouble.

No one should, however, misconceive that this text is suggesting that we should not help those who are in need. We must help, but we must also sk ourselves what the most appropriate help would be in each situation.

The greatest and most precious help we can offer to those we love, is to help them get in touch with their inner power and wisdom. This, at times, means helping, and at others, means letting them struggle by themselves while we mentally pray for them and visualize them in light.

For an awakened spiritual being to see someone cry about some unhappy event in his or her life or fear some future possibility, might be like our watching a small child cry about a toy that has broken or express fear of the "boogie man." We sympathize with and understand the child's feelings. We love it and we want to help it, but we cannot really be worried.

Those who experience this level of love sometimes do not exhibit the emotional display which others may be used to interpreting as indications of love. As we grow spiritually, we begin to understand, however, that real love is a love for the soul within the other, which is seeking to free itself from ignorance and the illusion of weakness and fear.

These spiritually awakened beings offer help on other levels through their positive thought forms, prayers or sometimes, direct contact on the astral level, usually in dreams.

In this way, help is given without undermining the others' self-confidence.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

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