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Relationships - Part 4
TOO LATE? Why is it that we tend to value relationships more once they've ended? Is it simply human nature to take for granted the smile of someone close, the friendship of a relative, the concern of a neighbor? In the moment, we think that these people will be around forever. Most of us never stop to imagine all those who have a profound impact on our lives. It's so easy to justify this casual attitude by saying we are too
busy, too tired, too involved with work, too concerned about money, and the list of excuses goes on and on. So enjoying a friendship may be put off for one day, and
then another. Before long, feelings have faded, and there is less incentive to get together. Almost relegated to a chore now, precious moments become something to
endure. Usually, something dramatic must happen to change this apathy and pull one out of a rut. Perhaps it's something shocking, like a death, a divorce, sudden illness, an accident - something stunning to force taking notice. Then comes the guilt, the re-assessment of feelings, the sadness of loss. And the worst of all - knowing how unnecessary and perhaps preventable the situation could have been. We long to have those precious moments once again, to share and express our feelings. Instead of waiting for an excuse, why not get out of the rut, take the initiative, and spend quality time with the people you value. Let them know how really important they are. Reprinted from Zongoo.com 7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my clients state that, "If I have to work at it, then it's not the right relationship." This is not a true statement, any more than it's true that you don't have to work at good physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress reduction. I've discovered, in the 35 years that I've been counseling couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into a successful one. TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF This is the most important choice you can make to improve your relationship. This means that you learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how wonderfully your partner is treating you. For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late, preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning yourself. When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is vital to a good relationship. KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be treated lovingly - with kindness, compassion, understanding, and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships flourish when both people treat each other with kindness. While there are no guarantees, often treating another with kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner change - you can only change yourself. LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose, through some form of controlling behavior. We've all learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame, judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance, withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying, denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control is a vital part of improving your relationship. For example, most people have two major fears that become activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment - of losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing oneself. When these fears get activated, most people immediately protect themselves against these fears with their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally and spiritually - by learning instead of controlling. CREATE DATE TIMES When people first fall in love, they make time for each other. Then, especially after getting married, they get busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally important to set aside specific times to be together - to talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without time together. GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS Positive energy flows between two people when there is an "attitude of gratitude." Constant complaints creates a heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around. Practice being grateful for what you have rather than focusing on what you don't have. Complaints create stress, while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates not only emotional and relationship health, but physical health as well. FUN AND PLAY We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy." Work without play makes for dull relationships as well. Relationships
flourish when people laugh together, play together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny side of life.
Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of being, not when everything is heavy.
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a broader, more spiritual view of life. If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will be amazed at the improvement in your relationship! Reprinted from Zongoo.com Signs of Infidelity
With infidelity reaching epidemic proportions, every woman should learn how to recognize the telltale signs of infidelity. The future of her relationship could depend on her ability to spot the telltale signs in time. In view of the rapidly rising divorce rates, and current statistics showing that 50% to 70% of men cheat on their mates, a wife can no longer afford to be the "last one to know." PHYSICAL APPEARANCE - A man having an affair (or even thinking about having one) will want to make himself more attractive. He will begin to enhance his appearance in some way. Be alert for changes in his wardrobe, his grooming, his body, and his personal hygiene. These are usually the most visible signs of infidelity. If he embarks on a drastic self- induced makeover, it's probably not for you. More than likely he's trying to attract or impress someone else. HOW HE RELATES TO YOU - The way your husband relates to you can provide many telltale signs. His involvement with another woman will cause him to treat you differently - even on a subconscious level. This is one of those areas where a wife can pick up signs of infidelity that a private investigator might otherwise overlook. CONVERSATIONAL CLUES - What your husband chooses or refuses to talk about can alert you to his involvement in an extramarital affair. He may mention new people, places and things, while the people, places and things he normally talks about are no longer a part of his conversation. Even his tone of voice can be an important telltale sign. WORK HABITS - Work is commonly used as an excuse to account for large blocks of time away from home. Men often use their jobs as a cover for their extramarital affairs. Your husband's work habits will undoubtedly change as his affair unfolds. Be on the lookout work- related telltale signs. DAY-TO-DAY BEHAVIOR - We are all creatures of habit. We all have a routine that we usually follow each day. A man who is cheating will display changes of some kind in his normal patterns of behavior. Pay close attention to any deviations in your husband's daily routine. These deviations are telltale signs. FINANCIAL AFFAIRS - Affairs cost money. If your husband has a lover, he'll want to wine her, dine her, entertain her and buy her occasional gifts. No matter how carefully he tries to cover his tracks, sooner or later this will be reflected in the family finances. Stay alert for financial signs of infidelity. TRAVEL - Your husband may not always be traveling for legitimate reasons. Even if he is, he may decide to combine business with a little pleasure. Travel affords a cheating unfaithful husband a unique opportunity to cheat away from prying eyes. PERSONALITY OR BEHAVIORAL CHANGES - Be alert for changes in your husband's attitude, personality or behavior. Whether they are drastic or subtle, changes of this type are often an indication of infidelity. ABSENCES - Affairs generally require a considerable amount of time. Since there are only 24 hours in a day, your husband's absences will become increasingly more frequent as he tries to steal time from other activities so he can be with his lover. TELEPHONE TIP-OFFS - Illicit affairs depend on repeated contact; many of which take place by phone. These telltale
CAR CLUES - Your husband's (or the family) car can be a rich source of telltale signs. The glove compartment, car seats (underneath and between), the tire well, the underside of the visor, the ashtray, the side pockets or compartments, under the floor mats and other nooks and crannies can reveal a wealth of information. SEX - Be alert for any type of changes in the frequency or the quality of your sex life together. Most important of all: If you suspect your husband of having an affair, take steps to protect yourself. Do not put yourself at risk for HIV/AIDS, herpes or other sexually transmitted diseases. EATING HABITS - This is an area that wives usually overlook when checking for telltale signs. But your husband's eating habits can be influenced or affected by his lover. Without even realizing it, he may develop a preference for the type of food she eats, the way she likes her food prepared or the kind of restaurants in which she likes to eat. These are the types of telltale signs it would never occur to him to conceal. SMELLS AND TASTES - Each person has his or her own unique smell or taste. You may be oblivious to it until it becomes replaced with something else. Pay close attention if your husband smells or tastes "different" or if something in your home or car just doesn't smell "right" It may warrant closer investigation. INVASION OF YOUR HOME - It's not uncommon for a man who's cheating to invite his lover to his home. When this happens, it's not unheard of for lovers to leave personal items behind-sometimes deliberately, for an unsuspecting wife to find. You will usually find evidence in your bedroom or bathroom if another woman has been in your home while you were away. But telltale signs of infidelity may turn up in other areas of your home, as well. GIFTS - Be especially vigilant around the times of the year when gifts are usually exchanged. During the holidays and various other times throughout the year, you may find gifts or cards hidden around your home or in the car. Receipts or credit card bills for gifts may turn up shortly before or after Christmas and Valentine's Day. COMPUTER USE - It's common these days for a cheating husband to use e-mail to communicate with his lover. Some of the telltale signs in this category may also be an indication of his involvement in an online or cyber affair. Don't take this lightly. These affairs can be as harmful to your marriage as the real thing. Though they may not involve sexual contact, the emotional attachment can be extremely strong, and can quickly progress from cyberspace to physical reality. CELL PHONES AND PAGERS/BEEPERS - Today's technological advances make it easier for a husband to cheat on his wife. But it's also easier for a husband to get caught while trying to make contact or stay in touch with his lover. PHYSICAL EVIDENCE -Many times there's physical evidence just waiting to be found. Check your husband's wallet, his pants or jacket pockets, his desk or dresser drawers, the wastepaper basket, his closet shelves, the floor in the back of his closet, the garage, his study, filing cabinets, his workshop, his toolbox or any place else you can think of. Keep your eyes open. You'll be surprised at the kinds of physical evidence of infidelity you can find. HIS BEHAVIOR AROUND OTHER WOMEN - Studies show that a man is most likely to have an affair with someone he already knows - a woman he comes in contact with on a regular basis - a neighbor, a coworker, a family friend or business associate. If you're observant, you may be able to determine the identity of your husband's lover by the way he behaves in her presence, or by how she behaves around him. ACCIDENTAL SLIPS-UPS OR DISCLOSURES - Sometimes you get lucky and find out what your husband has been up to by accident, or through some strange quirk of fate. An accidental slip-up on his part or on the part of someone else can clue you in to what's been happening behind your back. Reprinted from Zongoo.com Main 'Relationships Index Page'
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Tarot By Jeanne |
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signs of infidelity are relatively easy to find. Many men take the risk of calling their lovers from home or having their lovers call them at home. Many wives (like me) discover their
husband's infidelity either directly or indirectly by the telephone. 
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