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Relationships - Part 5
Living Hell -- Are You Living It Or Giving It?  Is every day a nightmare? Is the person you are living with finding fault with everything you say or do? Or are you finding fault with everything the person you are living with... Is every day a nightmare? Is the person you are living with finding fault with everything you say or do? Or are you finding fault with everything the person you are living with does? Do you wonder how it got this way? I used to be that way. I was finding fault right and left. Our baby was a year old, the finances weren’t great, I felt like I was being taken for ranted, and I wanted more. More from my spouse, more from my life, more from me. And guess what? No one was providing it. That being the case, I started complaining about everything. There was nothing I didn’t find fault with. One day I woke up and realized what *I* had created. All by myself. I had created a living hell in my own home. I couldn’t believe it. I had always considered myself an upbeat person, but I looked in the mirror and truly did not like what I saw. And I hadn’t liked any word, phrase, or sentence that had come out of my mouth for a long time. How my husband was handling it, I didn’t know. I decided if anything was going to be done, I was the person who was going to have to do it. There had been no loving touches for quite a while, and we hardly talked to each other, probably because he didn’t want to hear anything I had to say, and who could blame him? So I started making changes in my life, and ultimately in the lives of my husband and small son. Of course, it didn’t happen quickly. I had some issues that didn’t go away overnight. The important thing was, I realized *I* had to change inside before I could change even a little on the outside. I knew my husband wasn’t going to trust the fakey nicey-nice approach - Heaven knows I hadn’t been *nice* for a long time. I had to do something to let him know I knew I had messed things up, AND that I was going to change - if it killed me. I certainly couldn’t go on as I had been. We had grown so far apart, I didn’t know if we could ever recapture what we once had. One night we were driving somewhere, and I cracked a joke. I laughed and laughed, admittedly more than was warranted, but he saw the laughter in my eyes. It was something he hadn’t seen in a long time. He looked at me out of the corner of his eye and said, "Is something going on here that I don’t know about?" I said, "Yes, honey. I am practicing laughing. I want to bring laughter back into our marriage." He smiled. "Uh uh," I said, shaking my head. "I said laughter." He didn’t say too much, and I started to worry. Finally, he stopped at a stop sign and turned to me and said, "You’re going to have to tell a funnier joke than that."
I couldn’t do it on my own, and I think that was his way of telling me he was there for me - and, unless I did something a lot worse than I had - he would be with me always. The next kiss was for forgiveness, the next was for love, and the next . . . Well, you get the idea. If your marriage, your partnership, your love is on the rocks, don’t give up. Find a way to make things different. As in every problem, it all starts inside. As with every solution, it all starts inside. Be good to yourself today. If you’re having problems, figure out how you can make things better - inside. I guarantee you, once you feel better inside, your outside starts to change too. Don’t wait for the other person to make the change. Life is too short. Reprinted from Zongoo.com How Can I Get My Partner To Change?
How much energy do you spend trying to get what you want from your partner? Think about it for a moment - how much of your thinking time is spent on what to say to your partner to get him or her to be the way you want him or her to be? Many of us spend a lot of time thinking about how to get what we want from our partner - how to get our partner to open up, be more caring, see us, love us, pay attention to us, spend time with us, have sex with us, and so on. We spend at lot of energy trying to get what we want from our partner because we believe that if only we do it right - behave right or say the right thing - we can have control over getting our partner to change. This illusion of having control over getting another to change keeps us stuck in behavior that not only does not work to get us what we want, but drains us of the energy we could be using to learn to take loving care of ourselves. It is very hard to accept that we can't "get" others to do what we want them to do, even if it would be good for them and for the relationship. In my counseling work with people, I frequently hear: "How can I get my husband to read your books?' "How can I get my wife to be more sexual?" "How can I get my husband away from the TV to spend time with me?" "How can I get my wife to be on time?" "How can I get my husband to talk with me about our problems?" "How can I get my wife to spend less money and write the checks into the checkbook?" "How can I get my husband to clean up after himself?" "How can I get my wife to stop being angry?" "How can I get my husband to stop blaming me for everything?" Everyone wants to know, "How to get my partner to change?" The truth is, you can't. What you can do is take your eyes off your partner and put them on yourself. You have total control to change yourself, and no control to change your partner. The question you need to be asking yourself is, "What do I need to do for my own well-being if my partner doesn't change?" "Do I need to stop reacting to my partner with compliance, resistance, withdrawal, blame, lectures, explanations, nagging or anger?" These protective, controlling ways of responding to conflict will always exacerbate the conflict and make us feel badly within. The wounded part of us believes we can get love and avoid pain with these protective behaviors, but in reality it is often these behaviors that are actually causing our own pain. None of these behaviors are loving to ourselves, nor are we taking personal responsibility for our own feelings and well-being when we behave in these controlling ways. "In what ways do I need to be more loving, caring, understanding and attentive to myself - to my own feelings?" Often we project onto our partner the inner unhappiness that results from not taking loving care of ourselves. Instead of trying to get our partner to me more loving, open and attentive, we need to focus on being open, loving, kind and attentive with ourselves and with our partner. "Do I need to take specific action, such as changing the way we handle money, or the way we deal with getting places on time? How can I take care of myself in these kinds of conflicts so that I don't feel like a victim?" Anytime we blame another for our unhappiness, we are being a victim. Moving out of being a victim means taking loving action for ourselves so we are no longer frustrated with the situation. "Do I need to be willing to explore with my partner the underlying reasons for a lack of intimacy or sexuality? Am I willing to be open to learning with my partner, or am I stuck in just trying to control? Opening to learning with your partner can be magical regarding creating intimacy and resolving conflict. While you cannot make your partner be open to learning, if you open to learning yourself, you might discover the power you have to change your relationship. When you move out of seeing yourself as a victim of your partner's behavior and into taking loving action on your own behalf, you may Reprinted from Zongoo.com No Bad Dates!
Do a Google search for "dates from hell", and you just might crash their servers. There are tons of websites devoted to subject. One described a guy who talked about his ex-girlfriend all night, then drove by his ex's house a few times because he was "concerned for her welfare". Another told the story of a girl who made another date for later that evening, over her cell phone, during dinner. I'm sure you have a few war stories of your own. You know what I think? There are no bad dates. "No bad dates??" you'd tell me. "You've obviously never spent an evening with Mr/Ms. X who thought the silverware was speaking to them.in Klingon". Maybe not, but so long as you were not in any danger or got hurt in any way, it wasn't that bad. It probably only lasted a few hours, and you must have found some humor in that person across the table, waiting for the mothership. Cross Captain Kirk off of your list and chalk it up to a learning experience. The important thing is to not get discouraged and give up on dating completely. Stick with it, and keep looking to make that connection. Here are three quick tips: Release yourself from expectation. Never "expect" your date to be "the one", no matter how cute or nice they are initially. You set the date up to be a disaster by your unrealistic expectations. It creates undue pressure and leads you on a scavenger hunt for faults in the other person. Relax, enjoy the process, and don't focus on an "end result" that you have invented for yourself. It's all about attitude! Your mindset is what determines the quality of any experience. If you approach your date with a good attitude, there are no bad dates. Each experience is a step towards finding the person that is right for you.
Meet many people that might be possible dates. A positive dating attitude gives you endless opportunities to meet the right person. Don't rule out any method or avenue, and try them all: speed date, people at the gym, through friends, or online - even Aunt Millie's set up. Do it all! The Internet is fast becoming one of the best and most accepted ways to meet people. They call it online dating, but it should really be called online meeting, since you don't actually date until you physically get together. It is, however, a melting pot of interesting people and opportunities. There are ways to meet people online safely and with great success! Reprinted from Zongoo.com Main 'Relationships Index Page'
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Tarot By Jeanne |
I understood what he wasn’t saying, but it was the best olive branch I had ever been offered. The next morning, he woke me up with a kiss. It was the first
voluntary kiss I had received in a long time, and I cried. He just held me, then out of the blue, he told me a joke.
be
surprised at the changes that occur in the relationship. Most conflict is stuck in power struggles that result from each person trying to control with some form blame, anger,
resistance, withdrawal, or compliance. When you stop your end of the power struggle and start to take care of yourself, as well as open to learning with your partner, the
possibility opens for great change to occur. 
Go out on as many dates as possible. The way to that right person is through a lot of not-the-right persons. The more dates you have, the more opportunities you make
for yourself. Mr. or Ms. Right will not come knocking on your door while you are watching TV. Date, date and then date some more, the process is the answer.
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