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Relationships - Part 6
Loving Your Spouse When Your Spouse is Not Loving You
Marlo and Jack have been married for twelve years and have two young children. Marlo and Jack each state that they love each other, yet Marlo does not feel loved by Jack, while Jack states that he is content with the relationship. In their relationship system, Marlo tends to be the caretaker, while Jack is the taker. Marlo often thinks about what would please Jack, while Jack arely thinks about what Marlo wants or feels. What should Marlo do? Should she leave Jack, even though she loves him? Should she continue to try to get him to care about her, which has never worked? These are the questions Marlo had for me when she had a counseling session with me on the phone. Marlo was quite surprised when I told her that neither action was warranted at this time. "Marlo," I said to her, "there is a good possibility that the way Jack treats you is a mirror of how you treat yourself. How often do you think about what you want or feel?" "Not very often. I usually think more about Jack and my kids than I do about myself. I think it's selfish to think about myself. I want to be loving, not selfish." Marlo was confused between selfishness and self-responsibility. Actually, in their relationship, Jack was the selfish one in expecting Marlo to give herself up to take responsibility for his feelings and needs. By not caring about her own feelings and needs, Marlo was training her children to be selfish as well. They were already learning to blame her for their feelings and expect her to give herself up for them. As soon as Jack or the children would get angry or withdraw, Marlo would feel guilty and responsible and give herself up to do what they wanted. Marlo would not know whether or not Jack really loved her until she started to love herself. What if she left him and met another man? I assured her that the same thing would eventually happen if she remained a caretaker, because people usually end up treating us the way we treat ourselves. "So what do I do?" asked Marlo. "I'm so used to taking care of everyone else. I have no idea how to take care of myself." "Imagine that your feelings and needs are a small child that you've just adopted. What would you do to help her begin to feel loved?" "Well, I would spend time with her, and listen to her, and hold her. I would let her know that I'm here and not going away. I would do lots of things to help her feel safe and loved." "Exactly!" I stated. "This is what you need to start to do for yourself. Keep imagining that your own feelings are a small child and you are the parent of this child. You really do know how to be loving - it's just that you've never thought about being loving to yourself. Take all that you've learned about giving to others and now give some of it to yourself." Then we moved on to another subject. "Marlo, do you have a source of spiritual guidance you turn to?" "Yes," she replied. "I'm a Christian and I turn to Jesus." "Good," I said. "Now you need to start asking Jesus for information regarding the loving action toward yourself. You do this by asking a Marlo was willing. I cautioned her that Jack and her children might be upset with her for awhile, because they were used to her being a caretaker, but that if they really loved her and wanted her to be happy, they would end up supporting her in loving herself. "But what if Jack just stays mad?" she asked. "Well, then you can decide what is in your highest good. But until you are loving to yourself, you will not know the truth about Jack. Most of the people I've worked with have found that when they are loving to themselves long enough, their whole relationship improves. I can't guarantee it, but isn't it worth a try, rather than just giving up?" "Yes, I don't really want to leave Jack. I'm excited about this. I finally have some hope for our relationship!" Reprinted from Zongoo.com 7 Power Skills that Build Strong Relationships
A strong, healthy relationship is one in which the partners show respect and kindness toward each other. The relationship forms a rewarding and enduring bond of trust and support. Here are seven power skills that will help you form stronger alliances and bring more closeness, authenticity and trust to your relationships. 1. Relax Optimistically If you are comfortable around others, they will feel comfortable around you. If you appear nervous, others will sense it and withdraw. If you are meeting someone for the first time, brighten up as if you've rediscovered a long-lost friend. A smile will always be the most powerful builder of rapport. Communicating with relaxed optimism, energy and enthusiasm will provide a strong foundation for lasting relationships. 2. Listen Deeply Powerful listening goes beyond hearing words and messages; it connects us emotionally with our communication partner. Listen to what the person is not saying as well as to what he or she is saying. Focus intently and listen to the messages conveyed behind and between words. Listen also with your eyes and heart. Notice facial expressions and body postures, but see beneath the surface of visible behaviors. Feel the range of emotions conveyed by tone of voice and rhythm of speech. Discern what the person wants you to hear and also what they want you to feel. 3. Feel Empathetically Empathy is the foundation of good two-way communication. Being empathetic is seeing from another person's perspective regardless of your opinion or belief. Treat their mistakes as you would want them to treat your mistakes. Let the individual know that you are concerned with the mistake, and that you still respect them as a person. Share their excitement in times of victory, and offer encouragement in times of difficulty. Genuine feelings of empathy will strengthen the bond of trust. 4. Respond Carefully Choose emotions and words wisely. Measure your emotions according to the person's moods and needs. Words can build or destroy trust. They differ in shades of meaning, intensity, and impact. What did you learn when listening deeply to the other individual? Reflect your interpretation of the person's message back to them. Validate your understanding of their message. Compliment the person for the wisdom and insights they've shared with you. This shows appreciation and encourages further dialogs with the individual. A response can be encouraging or discouraging. If you consider in advance the impact of your emotions and words, you will create a positive impact on your relationships. 5. Synchronize Cooperatively When people synchronize their watches, they insure that their individual actions will occur on time to produce an intended outcome. Relationships require ongoing cooperative action to survive and thrive. As relationships mature, the needs and values of the individuals and relationship will change. Career relationships will require the flexibility to meet changing schedules and new project goals. Cooperative actions provide synchrony and build trusting alliances. They are part of the give and take that empowers strong, enduring relationships. 6. Act Authentically Acting authentically means acting with integrity. It means living in harmony with your values. Be yourself when you are with someone else. Drop acts that create false appearances and false security. When you act authentically, you are honest with yourself and others. You say what you will do, and do what you say. Ask for what you want in all areas of your relationships. Be clear about what you will tolerate. Find out what your relationship partners want also. Being authentic creates mutual trust and respect. 7. Acknowledge Generously Look for and accentuate the positive qualities in others. Humbly acknowledge the difference that people make to your life. Validate them by expressing your appreciation for their life and their contributions. If you let someone know that they are valuable and special, they will not forget you. Showing gratitude and encouragement by words and actions will strengthen the bonds of any relationship. Don't forget to acknowledge your most important relationship: the relationship with yourself. Acknowledge your own qualities, and put those qualities into action. You cannot form a stronger relationship with others than you have with yourself. You will attract the qualities in others that are already within you. Ask yourself: What thoughts and behaviors will attract the kind of relationships I desire? What is one action I could take today that would empower my current relationships? Write down all the qualities or behaviors that you desire for your relationships. Select the power skills that will attract those qualities. Keep a journal of the actions you take and the progress you make. By turning these skills into lifelong habits, you will build relationships that are healthy, strong and mutually rewarding. Isn't it easy to get stuck in the everydayness of life? We can get so busy making a living and getting ahead financially that the really important things fall through the cracks! That can happen to all of us. However, when people come to the end of their lives, they don't wish they had spent more time making money. When all is said and done, we want our family and friends to be with us then! So let's try to focus on developing better relationships instead of acquiring more things. Think of your circle of family and friends as a lovely garden to water and cultivate. The book of Proverbs teaches this crucial truth: "A man that has friends must show himself friendly" (Proverbs 18:24). Reprinted from Zongoo.com Top Ten Ways to Avoid Arguing With Your Wife
Men argue with their wives for many reasons, but the most prominent one is that there's a shortage of self-esteem buried underneath all of this arguing. Since life is short, wouldn't men be better off to follow a few simple rules and enjoy their time with their wives? 1. Be concerned with being kind more than being right. If you're kind to your wife and treat her very well, you'll experience fewer arguments. 2. Develop the fine art of keeping your mouth closed. There will be many occasions when you'll want to respond to a comment your wife has made that will be the invitation to an argument. Take a hard swallow and notice that no argument occurs. 3. Talk with your wife about making the effort to avoid arguments. Have a specific plan in place that you both agree on when it gets tense. If you both know the other is committed to improving, it's easier to stay committed. 4. Raise your own standards. What kind of person do you really want to be? In view of how useless arguing is, wouldn't you rather hold yourself to a high standard and spend time doing something else? 5. Just walk away from the argument. Walking away allows you some time to gather your thoughts and to cool down. When your perspective is better you can continue the discussion from a more objective place. 6. Date your wife regularly A lot of arguments result from things that haven't been fully explored. It's crucial to have a way to stay up to date and to create some kind of ritual that has the two of you talking regularly. Show her it's important and she'll feel important and argue less. 7. Bend the truth now and again. If it's between being honest and being kind with your wife, be kind every time. You can tell her the dinner is awful when she asks, but you increase the chances of conflict. Smile and tell her it's delicious.
One of the major reasons for arguments between couples is that people don't feel acknowledged. Acknowledge your wife regularly and she'll feel appreciated. Appreciated people are less likely to argue.
9. Know Your Triggers Around Arguing Familiarize yourself with what comments and situations trigger your anger and argumentative behavior. What are these about? Learn how you can avoid getting trapped by them in the future. 10. Make yourself accountable for your arguments. Have other family members hold you accountable for your behavior. Tell them your working on improving and would they please remind you if you're starting to argue again. This puts some teeth behind your commitment. Reprinted from Zongoo.com Main 'Relationships Index Page'
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Tarot By Jeanne |
question, such as, `Jesus,
what would the loving action be toward myself when Jack is angry with me?' or `What is in my highest good when my children are being demanding or disrespectful toward me?'
Then imagine what Jesus might say to you. You might have to make it up for awhile, but after awhile you will begin to experience that Jesus is actually answering you. You will
begin to experience two-way communication between you and Jesus. Are you willing to try this?" 
8.Compliment your wife twice a day.
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