Relationships - Part 7

Women's Complaints about Men - and - Men's Complaints about Women

Throughout 30 years of working with couples and groups, I have observed that women have the following complaints about men. These observations have been made in a Mediterranean society, and thus, may differ from others.

Women's Complaints about Men

1. They are not understanding enough.

2. They are not sensitive to feelings and needs.

3. They are not affectionate enough.

4. They tend to bypass sexual foreplay, and are quick to ejaculate thus losing their sexual interest, before the woman is satisfied.

5. They do not communicate enough. They do not express their feelings and thoughts.

6. They do not pay enough attention to their partners.

7. They do not spend enough time at home with their children.

8. They do not help with order and cleanliness of the home.

9. They do not appreciate the work involved in keeping up the home or in bearing and bringing up children and do not compensate this contribution to family life.

10. They make decisions about work and life without regarding the woman's or the family's needs.

11. They create extramarital relationships.

Men's Complaints about Women

In the same groups I have found that men have the following complaints about women.
1. Women complain, criticize and nag too much.

2. They try to control and suppress men.

3. They are seldom happy.

4. They tend to withhold sex as a punishment or blackmail.

5. They do not think logically, but emotionally.

6. Their emotions are not predictable but change quickly especially due to hormones, during menstruation, pregnancy or menopause.

7. They tend to gossip.

8. They, too, create extramarital relationships.

9. They are not home enough (which for some men means - continuously)

10. They are not taking enough care of the home.

What Men Can Do to Help Their Relationship Partner's Feel Happier

(Most lessons are, of course, for both sexes.)

Men can learn to:

1. Be more understanding and sensitive of her needs.

2. Be more affectionate, tender, affirming and loving.

3. Approach her consciously and sensuously allowing their mutual sexual energy to gradually develop.

4. To communicate more openly their thoughts, feelings and needs.

5. Spend more quality time with their children.

6. Help out with the cleanliness and order of the home.

7. Appreciate, and where necessary, financially reward their partners for work done in the home.

8. Include all the family in decision making.

9. Be monogamous.

10. Understand that her criticism is often a function of the fact that her needs are not being fulfilled.

11. Overcome the fear of being controlled and be true to themselves in each situation.

12. Understand that women perceive situations differently and respect that.

13. Understand that women are often the victims of their hormonal changes and that this is not easy.

14. Understand that women, too, need to get out of the house and engage in activities, which interest them.

What Women Can Do to Help Their Relationship Partner's Feel Happier

(Most lessons are, of course, for both sexes.)

Women can learn to:

1. Express their needs directly without complaining or nagging.

2. Trust their partner and allow him to function freely.

3. Focus on how grateful they are to have what they have.

4. Analyze situations from an even more logical point of view, especially when they suspect hormones are affecting them. (Or avoid reacting at those times.)

5. Avoid gossiping.

6. Be monogamous.

7. Find a balance between taking care of the home and asking the others for help.

8. Feel equal - neither superior nor inferior to men.

9. Understand that men have difficulty with communicating feelings and not take this personally.

10. Realize that their partner loves them even when he cannot be affectionate or tender.

11. Guide the man with their preferences in their sexual contact.

12. Radiate feelings of equality and self-confidence without competitiveness.

We need to transcend our differences and creating loving relationships.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

Want A Friendly Divorce?

10 Steps You Should Take

Divorces are never easy. They can be complicated as well, with costly traps for those who do not have good professional guidance. Beside the emotional turmoil, there are many details that need to be negotiated and settled. If there are children involved, you need to give them extra support during this difficult time.

It is possible - and desirable - to have a friendly divorce, instead of an adversarial one. The emotional and financial benefits far outweigh any advantage from "fighting it out" in court. If children are involved, you should maintain a respectful and cordial relationship with your ex-spouse, so that your children are not harmed by bitterness between their parents. It makes sense to start that new relationship on the right basis, minimizing hostility and damage to all family members, and keeping the lines of communication open. Here are 10 steps to a friendly divorce:

1. Decide that you and your spouse want to will keep control over your divorce instead of giving it away to a judge. If you and your spouse can't agree on how to raise the children post-marriage, or how to divide your assets, you will end up having a judge make these important decisions for you. Instead of giving away your decisions to a third party, do everything you can to make these decisions between you and your spouse. If you have decided already how to divide assets, or if there are no assets, you may seek a divorce immediately on your own terms.

If there are areas where you cannot agree, it makes sense to consult a divorce mediator. A divorce mediator is a specially-trained professional. He or she is skilled in creating a situation where you and your spouse can come to agreement on difficult issues, minimizing struggle and tension.

2. Take care of your health. Divorce can drain you of precious energy at a time when you need to be clear-thinking and active. Make sure you eat properly, get enough rest, and do what you need to do to relieve stress. By taking care of your health, you will be less likely to act upon extremes of emotion, such as anger and frustration.

3. Seek common goals with your spouse. This can include a common goal of how you want the divorce to proceed, what you want for your children, how you will communicate with each other during the divorce process, and how you will negotiate differences so that there is as much harmony as possible. Set the intention of how you both want the divorce to proceed so that you can work towards the goal in a clear manner.

4. Learn to see things from your spouse's perspective. Divorces can be very rough. Often people polarize and only see things from their own point-of-view. By trying to understand your spouse's needs, it will be easier for you in negotiating a divorce settlement.

5. Have a parenting plan. Decide how the children will be raised (including parenting philosophy and style, religion, rules, and discipline), and how often the children will see each of the parents and other family members. Decide if custody of the children will be joint (which is customary, but not mandatory), or if one parent will take primary custody of the children. Determine which home will be the children's primary residence. Create a plan for how future decisions will be made regarding the children's health, education, and emotional well-being.

6. Have a complete list of your assets, including real estate and retirement accounts, and determine the value of those assets. Include in this list all items that are owned jointly and those that are owned separately. If necessary, get an appraisal to determine the current value. Think how these assets will be divided between the spouses, before attending a mediation session.

7. Have a clear understanding of your debt situation and who will be responsible for which debts. Make a list of all credit cards, loans, outstanding bills, mortgages. Indicate if the debt is in your name, your spouse's name, or joint. Consider the earning potential of you and your spouse, who will be responsible for paying each debt and when the debts should be paid.

8. List your income and expenses. First, make a list of all income sources, including work-related income, government assistance, retirement income, interest and dividend income, and income from previous spouses. It's helpful to have pay stubs and income tax records handy. Next, list your monthly expenses. Include in the list all repeated monthly expenses (such as mortgage, rent, electric, telephone, food) as well as occasional expenses (clothing, medical, dental). Also include in the list the likely expenses related to the divorce: moving fees, down-payments on a new home or rental property, furniture and other home- making expenses. It will be important for you to consider these items as an independent household. Consider the expenses of the children if they will be living with you in the list. These are important in mediating a divorce.

9. Decide on the lifestyle you both want to live after the divorce. Will you both be able to live the lifestyle that you've had during the marriage? Use your income and expense list (#8 above) to calculate each spouse's financial needs, both current and in the future (for instance, college education for the children).

10. Both spouses should attempt mediation, and resolve as much as possible with a mediator. A well-trained mediator can assist you in pursuing a " friendly divorce" and will support you in creating an atmosphere of trust and open negotiation. In addition to your mediator, if your attorney seems to want to make your divorce into a battlefield, find another attorney.

Let's face it: divorce is painful. But with proper planning and a desire to reach agreement, the you and your spouse can achieve harmony, fairness and mutual respect.

Reprinted from Zongoo.com
Daily Press and Consumer Information

The Secret To A Lasting Relationship

With a divorce rate in this country that approaches 50%, and a fairly sizable percentage of marriages that aren’t particularly blissful, it’s difficult to avoid searching for the answer to the battle of the sexes.

Would you like to stop searching?

We’ve moved through the old paradigm of getting your needs met in relationships and it has proven itself to be a miserable failure.

Why?

Attempting to get your needs met in your relationship causes some troublesome things to happen. First, it causes you to focus mainly on your needs and not on the desires of your partner. Secondly, it sets you up for disaster because it has you believing that you deserve something that may well not be delivered.

All across this great country of ours, battles are raging between men and women: she needs to talk and connect, and he needs his space and independence.

Who wins here?

The answer, of course, is that both lose because of a flawed view of what a successful relationship is all about. What also happens is that both people start to blame the other for not meeting their needs.

For those who are really serious about success in their relationships, it’s important to understand how blaming your partner is an enormous problem itself. It creates a bigger problem and has you convinced that you’re not part of the problem.

Nothing could be further from the truth. Blaming has never worked and never will. It may have you feeling justified in your position, but it will always hurt your relationship.

It’s particularly important to develop the realization that your feelings can deceive you in your relationship with your partner. This can be difficult for people raised during the ‘honor your feelings’ era of relationships. Your feelings tell you things like, ‘I can’t believe she could do something like that to me,’ or, ‘How could she treat me so badly?’ These feelings are the result of your own low self-esteem and your own personal history of victimization.

While it’s true that your partner may treat you in a way you don’t like sometimes, it’s not true that you need to react to it with strong negative feelings. These strong negative feelings are a reflection of your own esteem issues.

These feelings also have a way of keeping your partner engaged in the struggle with you so that you can continue to blame each other. When you’re both engaged in the struggle, you’ll believe
that she needs to be fixed. She’ll think the same of you. Nobody wins and everybody loses.

This isn’t very smart or effective.

What would happen for people in their important relationships if they gave up defending themselves and believing their needs needed to be met? What would happen if they worked at being kind and caring with their partners?

I’ll tell you what would happen. They’d have great relationships!

After all, the only thing that you can do to improve a relationship is to improve you.

So stop looking over at your partner and seeing all of her flaws. Stop blaming her. She has issues just like we all do. But if you see her as a collection of flaws you’ll have no chance at a successful relationship.

And it’s successful relationships in life that make us truly happy.

Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is a certified personal coach who helps men to create balance in their lives and to improve their family relationships. He wrote ‘Fix Your Wife in 30 Days or Less,’ http://www.markbrandenburg.com/saveyourmarriage.htm. Sign up for his free newsletter, ‘Dads Don’t Fix Your Kids,’ at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.

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